01 Nov 7 Foolproof Techniques to Determine Whether your Child is Possessed
Halloween is over, but your little rascal is still running around pretending to be one of the damned. Can’t tell whether they’re acting or have been overrun by demons? Try any of these helpful techniques in determining whether your child is dead, alive, or being used as a vessel of pure evil.
Hide under your child’s bed a few minutes before your spouse tucks them in. Wait a couple of hours. Once you are sure the child is asleep, start breathing heavily. Run your knuckles up and down the spring boards until your child begins to stir. Reach out and grab him or her. If he or she screams, your child is likely still themselves. Possessed children will shrug it off and assume you are a monster: they do not fear their own.
Caution: If you feel a presence with you under the bed, it is, in all likelihood, a ravenous monster planning on eating your child. Don’t worry: we’ll make sure to tell your wife and kid that you loved them very much!
Hide a security camera in your child’s room. Make sure it is fully charged and has enough storage space (or tape, if you happen to be stuck in the 80s, far out!) and hit ‘record’. In the morning, review the tape for any evidence of supernatural activity: vomiting, head-spinning, floating, etc. Please note that hovering one foot or less above the bed is perfectly normal and should be expected of any child.
Have a bad back and don’t want to hide under the bed (as shown in technique 1)? Purchase an inexpensive Halloween mask or create your own. If you are on a budget, we recommend cooking spaghetti and dangling it off your head and arms. Once you are ready, simply walk into your child’s room late at night and stand at the foot of their bed until they wake up. Contort your arms and legs in short, jerky motions, then follow-up with a shrill scream. If your child does not immediately turn the light on, there is a high probability that he or she has been replaced by a demonic version of himself or herself.
Tip: For an even more realistic costume, pour the pot of boiling spaghetti directly on your face without letting it cool first.
Regardless of your religion or lack thereof, head to a local church and ask for a vial of holy water. Go home and cook a delicious meal for you and your family to enjoy. Sprinkle the holy water on the result, and serve. If your child is a vessel of ultimate evil, he or she will either begin to foam at the mouth and seize up, or cough out copious amounts of blood. Either way, it’s good to keep a bucket handy!
There’s no better way of knowing what’s happening to your little rascal than getting involved in his or her life. Sign up for a Latin class and see how quickly your child picks it up. In all likelihood, if he or she is a normal child, his or her test scores should be average. However, if he or she is possessed, he or she will quickly become top of the class. Way to go, sport! We’re proud of you!
Buy a few boxes of salt. Find your child and ask him or her to close his or her eyes while you quietly draw a salt circle around them. If you are doing this indoors, lay down some plastic first to make clean-up easier. Tell your child to open their eyes, then triple-dog-dare them to jump out of the circle. Whether your child is a spawn of Satan or truly your little angel, he or she will feel compelled to complete the challenge. Your child will either dissolve or find himself completely incapable of exiting the circle.
Caution: If your child fancies himself a mime, it may be virtually impossible to tell whether he or she is possessed or simply trying to impress you. Rest assured, you are better off getting rid of him or her anyways.
Note: This method requires a fair amount of manual dexterity. If you have trouble drawing a straight line or holding objects, please avoid it.
OK, so you tried a few of the techniques on this list already, but you are still not convinced by the results. “Please, give me a sure-proof way of knowing,” you ask. If you want to be absolutely certain that your child is not a hell spawn, this is the technique for you! You will need:
- rubber gloves (feel free to use bright yellow or pink ones)
- a well-sharpened knife
- sewing kit, plastic
- duct tape
Start by taping plastic to the inside of your bathtub, put the gloves on, and call your child. When he or she enters the room, grab him or her firmly by the arm and tie him or her to the bath. Wait until he or she has cried long enough to fall asleep from exhaustion. Gently cut a vertical line about an inch to the left of the center of your child’s chest. Carefully peel the skin away, pull the ribs apart, and examine his or her heart. If it is black, green, or purple, then your child is damned. If it appears red, congratulations! Your child will live to see another day. Sew his skin back together and cover it in a protective layer of duct tape.
This concludes 7 Foolproof Techniques to Determine Whether Your Child Is Possessed. Remember: always exercise caution when trying any of our helpful tips, as demons will be a little irked when you unmask them. It is always best to apologize to them by offering your spouse’s soul or promising to produce more vessels for them in the future!